— ABOUT EMMA —

"And if I asked you to name all the things you love,

how long would it take for you to name yourself?"

Our most authentic story of who we are is often kept quiet, hidden behind the walls of our being, to scared to come out and shine.

My experiences are my story, they become the lens at which I see and feel the world. I remember my parents saying, “Our experiences shape us.” Imagine that, its true.

A lifetime of accumulation, developing who we ‘think’ we are, only to dismantle and discover who we Truly are.

I’ve been highly intuitive since my first memories as a baby. At an early age I started having notable experiences of extrasensory perception, beyond our five commonly recognized senses.

Being highly sensitive I have had to learn how to work with energy in a productive way.

In high school, like most teenagers, my friends were the most important part of my life. The day after I graduated high school in Montana, my best friend and I drove to Santa Barbara California. College in California was exciting, I spent every day at the ocean, new territory, new exposure and everything was possible and invigorating.

I had many interests. I loved the arts, nature, the ocean, running, biking, vibrant health, conscious eating, & traveling. I spent a chapter of years traveling, Mexico, Canada, Hawaiian islands, Virgin Islands, New Zealand, Fiji, Cook Islands and more. I fell Madly in love with the Ocean. Noticing I was traveling to primarily places with the Ocean. The vastness and unknown resembled myself. Like waves, the highs and lows, the unknown.

As a young girl my grandmother whom is Hawaiin gave me the name “Wahini o ke kai, kokoke i ka lani,” Women of the oceans, close to the heavens. It could not have been more fitting for what was to play out in my life.

***

I wanted to see, smell, live, love the world inside and out — I hiked into Kalalau Valley, a trail that runs along the Na Pali Coast of Kauai. It had been a dream of mine for many years. I lived amongst a community that “secretly” lives in the jungle, off the land, close to nature, in small huts and caves, with gardens, growing food year round.

Kalalau Valley became home for two months. Living off the land, deep in the jungle. The pressures of time disappeared. My life was present and in the moment. A freedom birthed within me after living in the Jungle.

My camp was 2 miles up the Valley, near a water source, it was an open cave like dwelling, protected from the rain and weather. I slept on the ground. I collected banana leaves and foliage to make myself a bed. Surrounded by wilds foods, from lemons, oranges, bananas to lilikoi and wild greens, I learned all the wild edibles that were available to me. I would climb trees daily, write, meditate, sing, draw..Get lost in the Presence of everything and nothing.

Living this way fed my heart and soul. I would walk down to the ocean daily and swim, showering in the waterfalls. I felt liberated and at home, connecting with the beautiful men and women amongst me. I fell in love with a wild jungle boy, Benjamin as well as Machi, a women from South Africa. She became a touch stone for me. I would walk down from my camp in the mornings and we would have tea, swim naked, make ocean jewelry and bask in the sun. We fell in love as sisters. My “Deep Nature Connection” was learned in Kalalau.

A few months in, I became sick from drinking contaminated water. Within a week I had lost close to 10 pounds. Becoming weaker and weaker, I knew I had to leave to get help and medicine. It was a full moon morning when I hiked out. 12 miles to hike out sick and solo … Lots of prayer that night and all the next morning, asking for strength and protection. Hours later I arrived in Wainiha, and from there I hitch hiked to a farm where a dear sister lived. She help nurse me back to strength.

***

My yearning for adventure, exploration, experience was like a burning Flame within, a yearning that I lived for..

I was invited on a sailing adventure through out the South Pacific. An opportunity to explore many islands, with our final destination being New Zealand. Happily accepting the invite. I sold my van , gave a two weeks notice for work and two weeks later found myself flying to meet the crew in the Cook Islands.

I’d traveled to New Zealand that previous year and made connection with Micheal. He invited me to join there crew of four, and I would be the fifth. They had been sailing for months, making an around the world Documentary. I joined for the last leg of the trip.

I flew into Raratongo. From there we sailed to Palmerston Island, & Niue, we swam with Whales, fished off the back of the boat, ate in absolute abundance. We sailed to Tonga, Samoa , American Samoa and Western Samoa. Some of the destinations took us days on the sea to get to land, massive waves, endless ocean and sky….and sea sickness. It was some of the hardest traveling I have ever experienced. No Glamour to be found. We would strap ourselves into our bunk beds as the enormous waves crashed wildly for days on end.

American Samoa became a landing spot. We had to order a part for the sailboat. What was suppose to be a two day stay became two weeks.

September 29th, 2009 a Tsunami hit the southern Pacific, and American Samoa at 6:48 a.m. A magnitude 8.1 earthquake struck midway between Samoa and American Samoa. The earthquake generated tsunami waves up to 72 feet that engulfed the shores, killing 192 people, 149 in Samoa, 34 in American Samoa, and 9 in Niuatoputapu, Tonga. It's not clear what kind of warning people on the island received once the earthquake hit and set off the tsunami. We turned on our radios for warnings and details but nothing was issued. Later it was noted that the warning system run by the Global Security and Crisis Management Unit failed to evaluate the tsunami's impact in real time because of a hardware failure. No one was prepared.

My crew was still sleeping in the boat that morning when we were hit, I was on the dock aside the boat with my yoga mat.

Time stopped, the earth trembled, the ocean floor sucked away to sea. I could literally see the ocean floor. Partly paralyzed. I had no idea what I was witnessing. To see a tsunami take place is nothing like what I have read about. There I was, on the dock, over 20 other sailboats tied up along side in the harbor…and the sea was disappearing.

I began screaming bloody Murder.. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP EVERYONE!!! CUT YOUR LINES…..” All captains were out on deck cutting there lines and starting their engines… time stood still for me. I looked around, I was the only one on the dock. Everyone around me was busy at work. Time warp. The boats began riding the surge sucking wave out to sea, while some boats got sucked under the dock and capsized. Many people died that day.

The water from the bay had ALL been sucked out to sea, I realized ALL that water had to come back but with a much greater force. The dock was at least 100 yards. It just so happened to be the longest dock I had ever been on, literally. I couldn’t make it off the dock in time before the water was rushing over my feet, my ankles, and my knees were next…I could NOT lose my footing.

A basic, thin, and somewhat unstable mounted light post was the closest safety I could find to hold. (The photo of this light post is posted at the bottom of this page.) I remember I began screaming, looking around for help. Horrified... “Help me, someone please help me, God please help me” No one was there. I remember seeing captains from distant boats looking at me horrified, but had to look away. In that moment I realized every man for himself. This was a true state of Survival. And I may very well be witness to my own death. This was the first time death became real for me. I had never contemplated death, let alone had direct experience of it.

Within seconds the water was over my head, stronger then any force you could imagine. I monkied myself around the pole, getting spun around, it took everything to hold on. I was there for 4 waves. I remember cars, cement chunks, refrigerators. gas stations tanks, huge pieces of homes and debris fly past my head, I was surly going to be decapitated I thought to myself. Something will hit me, kill me, suck me out into the feral sea.

The fear was beyond fear. It was a feeling of absolute desperation, Knowing that NO ONE can save me. I am alone and I am going to die alone.

With the void of space and time, the fear was drown out. I entered a state of true surrender, no words or thoughts anymore, I was beyond rationality. I had surrendered, because I was being forced to surrendor. Now I understand it to be the next process in accepting death... Death is not a choice.

The waves became so big and suffocating that I could no longer find breath, I could no longer hold my breath…I was out of breath. The waves feet over head. It is beyond me to this day how the body operates and accommodates during these experiences. During birth and death only, our bodies accommodate us with a natural chemical substance referred to as DMT, this DMT allows for that sense of peace to fill our being. Its often referred to as the “Spirit Molecule.” The combination of DMT and God is what I say. And maybe its one in the same, eitherway I was there in the complete absorption and union of the divine, in complete oneness.

The fear into surrender into Love. I had everyone in my life with me, holding me, their arms rapped around me and the light post. Everyone in my life that I loved was present, I saw them all flash before me, one by one. All I felt was Love. Complete LOVE. To this day I have never experienced that degree of love.

Somehow through all of this I kept holding on to that light post.

Minutes, years…there was no sense of time. The final wave came and went and there I was gasping, choking for air. Was I really alive?

My system was rocked. When the waves and water finally came down, I ran across the dock, across the street, and up the mountain side. It was a good two miles up the mountain. When I got to the top, I found the tallest tree and climbed it. I remember feeling like I couldn’t get far enough away or high enough to feel safe.

I was freezing, shaking, teeth chattering, I took all my clothes off and hung them on a branch to dry. The sun was shining down on me. I watched from above, the sirens and the sounds, the destruction and the aftermath. I was still alone for hours. My crew were out at sea, I didn’t know if they were still alive.

Hours later, I heard a faint voice calling my name. It was Micheal, he thought I was dead. He had asked everyone in town if they had seen me. Spectators on the hillside that had watched me during the tsunami directed him towards the top of the mountain. In a tree , naked and in shock he carried me down.

I spent the next days wearing my running shoes 24/7, a backpack with all things for survival, ready for the next tsunami to come. I was in a state of shock for weeks to come.

No one could leave island for a few days on sailboat. We stayed in the turmoil and the loss and death of some of our sailboat community members. It was a deeply sad day/days. I became known as the American Tsunami Survivor. I was asked to interview for various newscasts and newspapers…I agreed to do a few, but it was all just too hard to process at the time. How could I even begin to explain and share my experience.

Days later I flew back to Montana, alive and broken. Years to come of healing and growth. Catching up with all that I had witnessed and experienced.

I was the first one awake and on the dock that morning for a reason, being the witness to the beginning of the tsunami, I was the warning, the siren, I was able to scream out “WAKE UP, CUT YOUR LINES…” I don’t know if my boat would have made it out that day alive had I not been, as well as many others. We are all connected and playing out our part and piece in this life. Pay attention.

***

Fast forward…

Life opened up even more, intuition opened up even more after my near death experience…the seen and unseen became even more real for me. I spent years in counseling, working with various therapies …I began to really notice as I was deepening to this all , I was also experiencing a great “split” in how I was feeling. Looking back now realizing that the full birth of PMDD was during this time. The trauma of the Tsunami had pre disposed me to the full expression of PMDD. It had always been there in high school and college. I had always struggled with mood swings, depression, and PMS. But the full expression of PMDD happened during this time.

Often feeling sick, plagued with fatigue, anxiety, depression, internal chaos, years passed many sytmoms got worse while many aspects of myself became more keen and connected. It was a fascinating dance. I began seeking out more tools, I started studying health and nutrition more extensively, Yoga & Ayurveda, Shamanism and plant medicine. I began sitting in ceremonies with Ayahuasca, deepening my inner wisdom and self knowledge, learning and clearing what I was accumulating and stepping into what it meant to be “Responsible, “ Responsible for Self. So much was revealed to me through ceremony, it became clear where PMDD was ancestral in my experience. I began to unravel and understand the karma in it all ~ and why. PMDD was a cataylst for me to deepen. As great as the suffering was, my growth and expansion pushed me in ways that I would not have experienced. A depth of understanding began to drop in as a relation to the “Wounded Healer.” I was all so real and familiar for me. My interest in Yoga & Shamanism became the next doorway to enter. Continually stepping into a deeper path of healing, I studied and went to school for Ayurveda. Sitting in ceremonies with the plants, this opened me up to an even deeper connection to infinite self.

I began journaling and seeing the patterns. My sickness was cyclical in nature. And alleviated completely the day of bleed. Symptoms began the day I ovulated, and for two weeks I was sick, and two weeks I was not sick. This went on for 10 years…I had to learn to live a life in two vastly different ways to accommodate myself.

Diagnosed with every possible ailment, from MS to depression, to viruses and parasites, thyroid disease to Lymes…MRI’S and CAT scans, medications, IV therapies and supplementation…

Two years ago I was officially diagnosed with PMDD …

And for the last two years its been the most painful trial and error and final push into choosing and accepting my Karma. I chose to have a Salpingo Bilateral Ooperectomy and Hysterectomy. For most with PMDD, this is the last option and only option to truly alleviate and rid of PMDD.

Surgical Menopause is a dance and learning curve all on its own, BUT for me nothing like PMDD. I now am learning the art of BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapy and diving deeper into disease prevention. The strength and courage I learned from PMDD gives me the perseverance needed for this next chapter of life. I now have an inner strength and capacity that allows me to continue forward and truly give back to Life.

Sharing my experience and story feels important to me, it feels like a necessary step in the acceptance and closure of having PMDD. It feels like a place I can safely share and possibly help give insight to other women in suffering.

I hope to shine a light on the endless potential to heal and the potential that we all have to heal. Honoring the past and acknowledging where we come from, while also letting the past go. The path to heal is endless~ but surly a path worth while devoting oneself to.

We deserve to be here and we deserve to know who we truly are. BUT to know requires doing the work, through thick and thin, much like a marriage to self, trusting your process and being true to YOU.

Blessings as we ALL continue down this road to Self Discovery ~

Emma

EARTHQUAKE AND TSUNAMI AFTERMATH

September 29, 2009

-photos taken by me-

*scroll down..

This is a picture of the Light Post I was holding onto during the Tsumani.